


Why Squall Is Not Allowed to Ban Anything Anymore

by chibikaie



Category: Final Fantasy VIII
Genre: Fluff and Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-18
Updated: 2018-07-18
Packaged: 2019-06-12 05:32:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15332877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chibikaie/pseuds/chibikaie
Summary: In which Squall's baby chocobo needs new batteries ...





	1. Why Seifer Is Not Allowed to Summon Leviathan

"I'll go with you," Squall said. "My chicobo needs new batteries." 

Rinoa choked on her tea.  


"Excuse me?" asked Quistis, politely.  


Squall glared. "I know you think I'm an anti-social bastard, but I don't see why there's an actual problem with me going to Deling City with you guys."  


"I think she means the chicobo, Squall," Rinoa said, smiling behind her napkin.  


"Yeah," said Selphie, "Irvy let me visit his daddy's chocobo ranch and they said I wasn't allowed to feed batteries to any of the chocobos because they'd explode! How come you're allowed?"  


Seifer grinned while the rest of the table's occupants tried to either make sense out of Selphie's speech or pretend that they hadn't heard it (Quistis was hiding behind her coffee mug). "Because he's leader boy, Selph. You can't forbid the leader boy from doing stuff."  


"Selphie," Irvine said in a slightly strained voice, "we did not tell you that eating batteries would make chocobos explode."  


"But I asked if they would go boom and you said yes!"  


"I said, 'sort of'." Clearly Irvine had opted not to go into the exact differences between "going boom" and "dying" at the time. "And we're getting away from the subject--which is, Squall, that baby chocobos do not need batteries."  


By this time, Squall had picked up Quistis' discarded newspaper and was attempting to use it as a defensive wall. "Mine does," he mumbled, without looking up. After another thirty seconds, during which the rest of the table sat around waiting for it to dawn on him that more of an explanation was necessary, he added, "It's not waterproof. The case leaked, and the batteries are dead."  


Quistis put down her empty coffee mug and stood up. "You know, as fascinating as I'm certain the details of this conversation are going to be, I have a class to teach in five minutes. Could someone fill me in at dinnertime? Thanks."  


Zell coughed. "Dude," he told Squall, "I think you just weirded out Quistis."  


"No, she really does have a class now."  


"You just keep thinking that," Seifer said, smirking.  


"Shut up," Squall muttered. "It's your fault anyway."  


"Wha--hey! Don't go pinning this on me, leader boy. I didn't have anything to do with drowning your freaky battery-powered chocobo."  


Squall put the newspaper down (which, they saw, he'd been holding upside-down). "You're the one who decided to use me for target practice in the middle of Garden, Seifer."  


"Heh. You offered to be my sparring partner."  


"Whatever. You drowned my chicobo's batteries."  


"So, hold on," Zell said. "If you drowned his chicobo when you summoned Leviathan on him last week, then--what, Squall, you had this chicobo on you? How big is this thing?"  


"I got it up to one kilo before Seifer killed it."  


"You know," Irvine said, "I'm really getting the feeling that we're not all on the same page here. Do you have your chicobo with you right now, Squall?"  


"Yeah ..."  


"Okay, can we see it?"  


Squall dug into his pocket and pulled out a small yellow egg-shaped piece of plastic. It had a tiny LCD screen and three little round buttons.  


"Is that a Pocket Chicobo?!" Selphie squealed. "That's so cute!" 

Rinoa had collapsed to lie on the table in a heap of giggles. "I started thinking to myself that it sure sounded like one of those digital pets, but I just couldn't picture you with one, Squall." 

Seifer had tried to grab it for a closer look, but Squall wouldn't let him touch it. "The hell? Digital pet?"  


"No, give it to me! I want to see," Selphie cried.

"The battery's dead. There's nothing to see."  


Irvine snickered. "You're so bad at sharing, Squall."  


"So, um," Zell cut in, before Squall's glare could become dangerously menacing, "how'd you end up with one of these things, anyway? We didn't give it to you."  


When Squall didn't answer right away, Rinoa poked him in the side. "Or did you just buy it for yourself, Squally? Chicobos are so cute, I bet you couldn't help yourself."  


Squall growled. "I hate chocobos."  


"But Laguna threw you that chocobo barbecue party for your birthday," Zell pointed out.  


"They aren't as annoying when they're dead."  


"Actually," Irvine put in, "that wasn't Laguna's--original intention, shall we say."  


Seifer stared at him incredulously. "What the hell else was that madman going to do with 300 kg of dead chocobo?"  


Squall coughed. Irvine looked away sheepishly.  


Seifer managed to jump to the correct conclusion without any more prompting. "He tried to give you a chocobo to ride and you butchered it, didn't you, Squall?!"  


"It's not our fault!" Irvine said quickly. "It attacked us first!"  


Rinoa laughed. "Let me guess: Laguna was nervous about getting Squall a present, so he caught the biggest chocobo he could find."  


"Probably the biggest one alive," Irvine said, shaking his head. "You should've seen this monster. Its feathers were starting to turn red, it was that old. I bet it ate T-rexaurs for breakfast."  


"I heard that the really big chocobos can cast Meteor," Zell said.  


"You better believe it. We almost didn't get out of that one alive." Irvine shuddered. "I hate Meteor."  


"Wuss," Seifer said. "So you decided to barbecue that sucker?"  


"That was Kiros' idea, actually. Laguna spent the entire time flipping between apologizing like mad and promising to find Squall a pet that wouldn't try to kill him." Irvine paused thoughtfully. "I kind of thought he'd get a cat or something, though."  


"Aww, so that's the pet Sir Laguna gave you?" Selphie cooed. "Squall, that's adorable! I wanna get one, too. How about you, Rinoa?"  


"They are rather cute. I thought about getting a Pocket Puppy, but I have Angelo, you know?" Rinoa said. "I don't think I need one."  


"Yeah, but we could challenge each other's pets! Hey, I know! We should all get one, and then we can have a tournament!" Selphie rubbed her hands together. "Zell, what kind are you getting? A chicobo like Squall's?" 

"Huh?" Zell blinked. "You want me to carry one of those little guys around??" 

"Or you could get a mini 'Rex! Wait, Seif'll probably want that one." 

"Leave me out of your crazy schemes," Seifer said grouchily. 

Rinoa and Selphie exchanged looks. "Why, Seifer," Rinoa said coyly, "are you really going to let Squall beat you at something so trivial?" 

"Huh?" 

"You can't expect to challenge him without a Pocket Pet of your own, after all," Rinoa continued. "But I guess you're too dignified to have fun with your friends now that you're all grown up." 

Seifer glanced at Squall, whose face seemed to say, "This has snowballed, no, _avalanched,_ into the worst possible scenario, and I want to stick my head under the blanket and hide until it's over, but I refuse to be beaten (especially not by _you)_ in this stupid game." 

"Fine!" Seifer shouted. "But I'm only getting one so I can kick all your asses with it!"


	2. Why Selphie Is Not Allowed Near Computers

"Get back here so I can kill you!" 

Quistis looked up. "I see that the tournament's been concluded." 

"You think?" Zell asked, watching Squall chase Selphie all over the Quad. "She could've just tried to store ice cream down his shirt again." 

"But, Squall! You said you don't even like chicobos! I was doing you a favor!" 

"That's not the point! DIE!" 

"I take it back, I guess she did beat him," Zell admitted, shaking his head. "It's just, wow, I never thought Squall would lose." 

"Zell, you lost to Squall because your chicobo was spoiled beyond belief and couldn't fight her way out of a tub of marshmallows, not because his was overpowered. Get over it already." 

He sulked. "How would you know? It's not like you got to fight him." Seifer had beaten Quistis - barely - in an early round of the tournament. 

"Irvy!" Selphie wailed. "Call your boyfriend off! I said I was sorry!" She had found temporary sanctuary in the fountain - it was no secret that Squall hated water. Wet leather was no fun. 

Irvine strolled up and plopped down on the grass next to Zell and Quistis. "Sorry, Selph. That was way out of line." 

"You're letting Squall attack her for winning the tournament?" Zell asked, puzzled. 

"No, he won, but then she blew up Squall's chicobo." At their blank stares, Irvine explained, "I mean, literally blew it up - sparks and smoke and little explody bits of plastic and everything." 

"Dude," Zell said, "I didn't know that was possible. Aren't these things, like, supposed to be safe for children?" 

"I didn't think it would work!" Selphie hollered. "I was just playing around with the programming! I'll get you a new one, Squally! Don't be mad!" 

_"Don't call me 'Squally'!"_

Zell winced. Only Rinoa got away with calling him that. 

"And I don't want a new one!" 

"Eeeeeek! I'm sorry!" 

Quistis stood up. "If you two don't stop screaming at the top of your lungs, I'm going to gag you and stuff you into a closet! Together!" 

Squall growled one last time, then stalked over to the others and stuck his head under Irvine's coat. Awkwardly, Irvine patted the resulting lump. 

"Much better," Quistis said. "Now, Squall, if you don't want Selphie to replace your chicobo, what do you want from her? Remember that Dr. Kadowaki is tired of patching us up and isn't buying the 'training accident' excuse anymore." 

The lump issued an indistinct grumble. Irvine sighed. "I don't think he wants anything. It's just that it was a present from Laguna, so he's going to be a little clingy until he gets over it." 

"I see. I'll have Selphie explain to Laguna and apologize. Have a good afternoon, Squall, and don't wear Irvine out too much." Quistis retrieved Selphie from the fountain and left. 

Irvine blushed. Zell tried not to giggle.


	3. Why Zell Is Not Allowed To Wear a Skirt

"I tell ya, I am so not the right person for this," Zell groused. 

"It's past time you and Seifer worked out your differences," Irvine said. 

"Psh. I don't see you forcing Squall to 'socialize' with him," Zell retorted. 

"You won't be socializing; you'll be working together for the sake of the mission," Rinoa explained. 

Zell rolled his eyes. "Pull the other one. As if there could possibly be a good reason somebody might pay the world's most expensive mercenaries to go clubbing. At, incidentally, Selphie's favorite gay bar." 

Irvine loked at Rinoa, who shrugged. "Fine," she said, "so you figured it out. You're still going." 

"Hey, no fair!" Zell exclaimed. "You're supposed to graciously admit defeat when I outsmart you!" 

"Too bad," Rinoa said gleefully. "And as punishment, I'm dressing you up as a girl." 

"No way!" Zell cried, backing up and waving his hands frantically. "How is that fair?!" 

Irvine snickered. "You're assuming this is supposed to be fair." 

"This is so not happening," Zell moaned. "Rinoa, if you have to put a guy in a skirt, why can't you just dress Squall up again? He actually has the figure for it!" 

"Nope, he's meeting Laguna for dinner tonight," she said cheerfully, rubbing her hands together. "Let's see, I've got this beautiful red velvet number ..." 

"Hold on, again?" Irvine interrupted. "You dressed Squall up as a girl? When?" 

"Hello, the masquerade last year?" Rinoa said, knocking on the brim of his hat. "You can't have forgotten. You hogged him the whole night! I didn't even get a single dance." 

Irvine blinked, his jaw hanging open slightly. "Last ... you mean ... that was Squall??" 

Zell sighed. "I told you he must've been drunk." 

"He didn't tell you?" Rinoa asked, putting her fists on her hips. "Men! I swear, you two have the most messed up relationship ever." 

"Hey, at least I know not to give him chocobos!" Irvine protested. "And we weren't dating then! He hardly said two words to me all night!" 

"No, he was just following you around like a puppy and wearing an evening gown just to get your attention," Rinoa said sarcastically. 

"And stiletto heels ... and jasmine perfume ... and a string of pearls ..." Irvine's eyes got a little glassy. 

"Dude, you're drooling," Zell pointed out. "Mop it up, at least." 

Irvine turned to Rinoa. "Do you still have that dress he wore?"


	4. Why Irvine Is Not Allowed To Tickle the Moogle

The atmosphere in the cafeteria that morning was decidedly frigid. 

"So." Quistis set down her mug. "I have had my caffeine. Please explain why there was an explosion in the dorms at approximately two a.m. this morning." 

Squall looked at Irvine. Irvine looked at Squall. 

"It's his fault," Squall said. 

"It is not!" Irvine said hotly. 

"Is too." 

"I was not the one casting Flare indoors!" 

"I would have done the same if you were tickling me too!" 

"Would not! You're too anal retentive to waste Flare spells like that!" 

"Tickling is worth at least a Firaga!" 

_"So,"_ Quistis said, steamrolling over the argument, "Irvine was tickling someone." 

"Someone who cast Flare and ought to be blamed for it," Irvine muttered. 

"Really. May I have the identity of this person?" she said icily. 

"Um." Irvine looked at Squall again. 

"He went to get breakfast," Squall volunteered. 

"His name is - " 

"Hi!" a chirpy little voice said at Quistis's elbow. "Here's your morning paper! Did you want me to refill your coffee?" 

The paper was plopped onto the table with a flourish, by a small hovering moogle. The round pom-pom at the end of his antenna bobbled as he set down a tray of waffles. 

"Mog," Irvine finished lamely. 

"I ... see," Quistis said. Clearly, she didn't. Squall swiped the waffles. 

"I looked at some new beds," the moogle said blithely, "but I don't think any of them will fit into your room." 

Squall paused, fork in midair. "What do you mean?" 

"Well, even a full size mattress isn't quite big enough for two people. For a good night's sleep, you should have a queen bed. I don't think we could even get one of those through the doorway." 

Irvine was beginning to look a little trapped. "But - " 

"So I went up to housing. Did you know you were assigned a full suite and you were actually supposed to move out of that single months ago?" 

"No," Squall mumbled. 

"That's what I figured. I told them that you'd be moved into the correct room by the end of the day." 

"I will?" 

"Of course you will. Irvine will help. It's his fault you don't have a bed anymore." 

"It is not my fault that you're trigger happy!" Irvine protested. The moogle gave him a serene yet somehow still threatening look. "Um. Not that I wouldn't be happy to help you move anyway, Squall." The moogle smiled sweetly. "Ah. In fact, I think I'll go get a head start on packing right now." 

Squall looked baffled. "Thank ... you ... ?" 

Irvine made a break for the exit. Mog called out, "You have until tomorrow to move in your things, Irvine. I filled out the paperwork for you already!" 

Squall put his fork down and waited until Irvine was out of earshot. "You deliberately blew up my bed to get me to move in with my boyfriend?" 

Mog said smugly, "Your father hired me to be your assistant. I take my job very seriously." 

Quistis looked at them and said, "I need more coffee." 

Watching her go, Squall leaned over and announced, "You're the _best moogle ever."_

**Author's Note:**

> This is a repost (with minor edits), as I am (finally) migrating to AO3.


End file.
